I’m beginning to become friends with jealousy and even comparing myself with others. I am also releasing this energy and feeling the healing along the way.
Jealousy and comparison was a huge topic yesterday. I got to share and express with a group of sisters I trust and even another soul sister reached out about something similar and she brought up some cool perspectives on the topic that I will share later…
SO, when did I begin comparing myself to others and when did this first sense of jealousy start? I’m not sure but I can imagine it had a lot to do with not really getting to be creative as a child or getting to do different things to figure out what I enjoyed. And I’m also sure it had a lot to do with television and seeing everyone knowing what they wanted to do. And the fact children were pressured to figure out their lives by the age of 18 instead of exploring and having fun.
I remember when I was younger, I used to love watching gymnastics and I asked my mom if I can be placed in it and I believe I asked about swimming too. I was never placed in any of those, the only thing my mom put me in was a dance class called Flamenco and that was because my babysitter’s mom was teaching and she spoke Spanish, I’m guessing it was easier for my mom to know what was going on and communicate. I did enjoy this form of dancing but I also knew there were others things I wanted to try out. I can’t blame my mom for not putting me in different things but I think I did subconsciously. I know she may have had her reasons not to and I’m sure God had a different path for me as well.
What comes up for me is that I’m “too” old now to start any of these things. That it’s going to take more time to learn to roller skate, to do gymnastics, to learn how to free dive, etc than it would have taken me when I was younger. Also when I was younger I was fearless and now I can feel just having fear of falling, feelings that I will look funny, just fear of the process. I can feel the impatience as well, when I was younger time didn’t mean anything to mean and now time, ah it’s like I don’t have time to try these things out because I need to be doing other things. What?
I get “jealous” when some of these things come super easy for some people or the fact they have done some cool sports or activities for most of their lives and it’s their passion. Part of me wishes I had a huge passion but I also love so many things, so I wouldn’t know how to choose. I also compare where I am at in my journey. I see some amazing people working with herbs and plants and I see the beautiful connection they have and how they express their wisdom so elegantly and smoothly. I’m just like, where do I begin and it feels so daunting and overwhelming. Part of me says, THIS IS UNFAIR. Why didn’t I start this years earlier? Maybe I wouldn’t have been as conscious as I am now and appreciated the process.
I’m shifting my mindset and internal feelings and using this jealousy and feeling of comparison as an opportunity for inspiration, creation, motivation. I know it’s not going to happen over night but I am working on it. I’m observing things I may want to try out and actually give it a shot and see how I feel and if I enjoy it. I also get to re-parent myself in a sense and get back to that child-like nature. Society makes us believe we are getting old and that we need to know what we want to do as a career by the time we graduate high school. I think I felt this pressure, so I didn’t really try out things, I was overwhelmed.
I get to shift that energy and I get to try out anything I want which is pretty freaking cool! The whole world is my canvas, I get to see what I love, what I don’t love, what feels good to me. In a sense that jealousy was holding be back from even trying, I was sitting in my sadness, this stagnant energy.
The part that was “tough” as well is that I wasn’t being my authentic self and I didn’t know who I was or what I really liked, I went off from what my friends liked and I thought that was what I wanted to do too. In elementary school, I remember being best friends with Alison in like fourth grade but all I wanted to do is be like her, dress like her, have the same things she had. I remember buying one or two of the same outfits she had, buying the same CD player, it was actually a bit embarrassing. She didn’t say anything about it but I think it may have bothered her. But I didn’t know my style. Year after year, I just looked towards friends, shows… people and I would just copy them instead of looking within and seeing what it was that I wanted to wear, do, buy, whatever.
Something my friend Lori brought up was that a lot of people that are like 5 to 10 years younger than her are doing the things she wants now but she made a good point that, we have no idea how long their life span is either or ours. She works for Famous Birthdays and she updates famous people’s profiles and she said, there are people that have million of YouTube followers and then one day they die. Basically why am I holding back from trying stuff out? Let me actually do what I want to do and let go of the process. Practicing living each day as if it were my last. MMM.
Which reminds me, every day when I write in my journal, I bring in gratitude that I woke up today, I get to live another day!
Lori and I had some other cools chat about this and it felt so good and cleansing to talk about it. I realize I have these conversations in my head but it isn’t until I say it out loud or mention it to someone else that I feel the release and healing happening. Sometimes I don’t have to come to a realization or find a solution, I just have to say it out loud and hear myself say it and I’m like, that’s silly.
Yesterday I was super sensitive and when I was sharing this with my sisters, I was crying and feeling. Once I was done I went to the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I felt prettier, I felt lighter, I felt healthier as if the crying and speaking about it made me a clearer vessel and purified me.
I’m aware that jealousy and comparing myself to others will show up again, it will continue to show up in order for me to practice using it as a gift, a tool to show me where I am at and where I get heal or just feel inspired to do things I want to do. It’s happening for me!
Life is a beautiful, magical ride… journey. It’s what I make of it. These uncomfortable moments and feelings can be fun too, they are adventures within themselves. It’s like a roller coaster of emotions, I’m anxious and excited, I’m yelling and crying, then I’m laughing and saying let’s do that again! lol.
I am really loving my journey. I love myself. I love you.