This year I learned and became aware that the Yoni is connected to the throat or voice. This seed was planted and it wasn’t until recently that I wanted to explore a little more.
I am at the very beginning of this journey so I will just be writing more of what I have experienced this past week. There are many articles and blogs that other people have beautifully written to explain a little more how the Yoni is connected to the Throat Chakra.
Here is one I read before starting this post: https://www.kristenappenrodt.com/momentsofponder/2018/6/29/yoni-voice-connection
So… I’ve known about the yoni/voice connection for a little while and I know I’ve needed healing in both areas in my life.
One day when Joey and I were having sex, I noticed there was tension, a bit of pain and a feeling of closing up when he was inside of me. When we would switch positions I would get a feeling of, “Oh no, will this hurt?”. So I started telling him to start slow anytime we went into a new position and I noticed that helped me be less tense in my yoni and I realized by using my voice, there was more relaxation in my throat too. I also felt more relaxed to moan and make noises, that also made my yoni relax and enjoy the pleasure.
SO, after that, I had flashbacks of all the people I have been intimate with or have had sex with. I had this urge to make a list of them and write about each experience. I felt this healing opportunity.
I wanted to write about a few things. How my yoni felt at the time and if I used my voice. I wanted to tune in and see if the experience I had was one that I truly wanted or one that didn’t feel good but I still participated in. I also wanted to feel all the emotions coming up, write authentically and at the end, thank myself and the other person involved and ask for forgiveness. I know that all the experiences lead me to where I am today and for that I am thankful AND there are still things that I am/was holding on to that I wasn’t allowing myself to feel.
I wrote 10 pages about what the sexual, intimate experiences brought up for me. I want to share some things that came up during this process.
I wanted to start in order of my first partner. I acknowledged that I was writing about these experiences anywhere around 2 years to 15 years after those intimate moments. So I was also coming from a place of holding on, so I really attempted to put myself back into that moment and remember that I chose that experience.
So, as I began writing, after each paragraph or two, I noticed that when I had this moment with my boyfriend or guy at the time, most of the time I engaged because I thought that was what I needed to do because I saw others doing that or learned from television. Feelings of guilt, shame, feeling pressured, even disgust came up. I literally needed to take a deep breathe and exhale loudly. It’s like writing about my yoni’s experience caused my throat to tense up but it was a great opportunity to breathe, exhale, relax and invite forgiveness and pleasure to the moment. Pleasure in releasing this trauma.
There were also moments where I did enjoy myself and I did experience lots of pleasure but the part that caused trauma was that I was not being conscious and aware of the energy exchange that was going on. Also, there wasn’t clear, healthy, honest communication. There were expectations and assumptions that we created for one another that were never really talked about, that I never got to express or even knew how to express at the time.
And the moments I may have not experienced as much pleasure and joy or the people I didn’t really want to be sexual with… I realize I didn’t use my voice to say no. I guess the part that made me the most angry was that when I was sexual with some of these guys, I wasn’t really into it and they still kept going, they couldn’t read my energy or maybe they didn’t want to OR they didn’t know how to read the energy. Really looking back, I was really angry with myself because if I knew how to express myself or if I didn’t care about what others would think, I would have spoken up about what I truly wanted and desired.
Another thing was that, the first boyfriend I had sex with, I used to say.. I lost my virginity to. It gives me shivers when I say lose because I didn’t lose it, I chose to give it to someone. My friends were “losing” their virginity around the same time and I remember that after three months of dating I decided to have sex because I didn’t want to be the last one to give it away. How crazy is that shit? I wanted to say sorry to my boyfriend at the time and myself for thinking that way. And he wasn’t a virgin, so I created this expectation that I wanted and needed to have sex with a virgin to, so that caused this anger in me that he got to have my virginity and he gave his away already.
After we broke up, I heard he was trying to have sex with someone and I just could not handle all the emotions that were coming up. They were overwhelming. So I wanted to have sex to get back at him and to add a second person on my list. OH goodness. Seriously, I look back and I want to go back in time and hug myself.
So I did just that. I had sex with someone and it’s not what I actually wanted to do. I was penetrated by a guy, a friend that I cared for but the experienced wasn’t great at all and I ended up feeling shitty and worse and I exchanged energy with this guy when I could have just felt my feelings at home and tuned in to what I actually needed to move through this heartache.
A few of the people I was intimate with after the break up were to get back at him or to feel something. I was feeling numb at the time and also didn’t know how to express what was coming up for me. So when I go back to the moments, they may have been fun for a moment but there wasn’t a real connection or this beautiful energetic pull towards these guys.
And then I had some experiences where after the guy and I had sex, somehow it came up not to tell anyone or if I shared it with someone they would be annoyed. I didn’t use my voice to ask them why, so I created a story instead that I wasn’t good enough or they wanted to keep me hidden. One of those guys I actually felt this pulled to, I had feelings for him and he didn’t really know it but when that came up, I felt heartbroken and again these emotions came up that I couldn’t handle.
The more unconscious sex I had and even intimate moments, where I didn’t tune in and I didn’t use my voice, the more I created this tension in my yoni and in my voice.
A few years ago my friend had a session with a tantra practitioner, he told me his experience and I knew that I wanted to give it a try. When I had my session, it helped me get out of my comfort zone and feel my body. Cassandra, the woman that held my session, did a practice calling Yoni Mapping. She sticks her finger in my yoni and presses on different parts in there. She asked me if I felt Numb, Pain, or Pleasure. I mainly felt pain or numb and that was just so crazy or shocking to me. I had no idea.
Joey tried it on me once and again I felt lots of tension down there. But I would breathe into the pain or numbness and it helped to release some of it.
I have also just wanted to be with myself as I explore my body and use my voice because that’s another thing that came up. I never truly explored by body and I always felt weird about masturbating, I created shame and disgust around it for some reason. I have had many friends use Yoni eggs or crystal wands and I keep telling myself that I am going to purchased one and start but I haven’t yet! There was definitely a block there.
Joey also built me a Yoni Steam chair that I used before I got my moon cycle. I am looking forward to using it this week. I read that it helps if one is having some pain with intercourse and it has many other benefits as well but I’m excited to sit with the steam and release, loosen up.
I’m blessed for the people in my life that also do some of these practices and have shared their wisdom. And I am super thankful for the love and patience Joey brings into our sensual and sexual space and for the moments he wasn’t as conscious because I had a safe space to speak up and use my voice to express what I needed and desired at the moment.
Sex can be so healing and pleasurable, it can bring connection and intimacy deeper than what we see on television. I’m so excited to explore not only sex but other forms of intimacy with myself and with Joey and with intention and awareness. I may share more about this later in my journey!
It honestly felt so good to write about those experiences and also be aware of how much trauma it can create without even realizing it. How much my Yoni and my Voice holds on to, hold much energy I haven’t cleared or cleansed. Like I said I am still in the beginning of this area in my life so there may be some decent amount of clearing but there’s pleasure in knowing that I get to do this and be aware.
There’s pleasure in sharing my experience with all of you and maybe creating awareness in your experiences and sexual moments with partners. There’s pleasure in the healing and pleasure in loving myself.
May I continue to tune in and feel pleasure that feels true and authentic to me and may you all experience the pleasure you truly desire, that you get to express yourself in a way that brings healing and even more pleasure.
I love you.