Expressing what’s on my mind today…

So this blog is literally me ranting about stuff…

This is probably the most authentic piece I may be writing. I usually am super real in my journal but today I wanted to get shit off my chest and not give a flying crap what anyone thinks.

I feel like I am in more of my head than in my heart today… right now. My ego is present and has things to say.

I’m going to be real honest. I didn’t vote. (also this blog is just about voting, it’s about my birthday too!)

Yes… you read that correctly I did not vote. It’s my choice.

On election day our roommate asked me if I was voting that day and I said no. He then asked, “Oh, you and Joey did it by mail, right?’… No, I’m not voting. Then he unintentionally said something like…. “Oh, please go vote.” Which was interesting to me, I noticed people ask others to vote and I am guessing assuming they would vote for who they voted for.

That experience was beautiful for me to have. There was a point I even asked… oh is there judgement for me not voting? I may have asked it aggressively because I was nervous. Then I got to reflect and see if there was any judgement on everyone’s decision on who they were voting for. And also not beat myself up for not voting.

I also noticed how proud people were if they voted for Trump or for Biden. Thinking about telling people I didn’t vote… I feel like I’m going to get judged and beat up by both parties. Well I am proud and honored by my decision and about my decision in sharing this with you.

It feels good to just be real and say I didn’t vote.

It’s so crazy and bizarre to me how people are just so cruel with their words on social media especially during the elections. Calling them names, labeling them… just so much separation. I acknowledge that most of the time I live in my own bubble. I like it that way. It’s so odd to me that people are so… mean.

I’m not sure what you believe in but placing all that hatred, judgement on others, wouldn’t one think that, that shit is only going to be mirrored back to them.

And maybe this is me being judgy.

I see and feel things very differently than people. Some shit is going on and it doesn’t have to do with these damn elections…. I feel like the elections is a mirror for everyone to see what they are carrying inside but that’s just one of my thoughts on it.

I look around, everyone is so separated from one another. Do people integrate and practice loving others? Do you all catch yourself when you are speaking ill of someone?

Anyways. I experience sadness sometimes and I still have faith that everything is okay and everything that is happening is for a reason.

So… I was super excited to celebrate my birthday on December 5th. I’m getting teary-eyed. It’s so stupid.

I was planning all these things to do on that day and literally inviting everyone and anyone that wanted to join. Just have a day of celebration.

That morning will be Water Ceremony. I thought how beautiful that it landed on my birthday. I know there were a few other things going on that day.

Over a month ago there was an event in Utah that several women I know went to called Unleashed where you dance all day and all night I believe. I wanted to go but decided not to because I was supporting a mom that was due any day around those dates. Honestly, I was a bit “jealous” that they all got to go and bond even more. Actually after that event, I felt “left out”.

That feeling of being left out shows up a lot in my life and has been showing up recently to heal. Well, this event is actually happening in Miami on December 5th… my birthday.

First I was totally bummed. I had a party planned out for that evening and I would miss this event. Next I thought to myself…. well some of the people that I wanted to invite are probably going to go to this event and then I felt sad for myself. Like “oh, they would much rather go to this event than celebrate you.” And then I thought to myself…. “WHY THE F DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THEM?”

It’s interesting…. it’s like I’m “trying” to have them like me. It’s that need of having to be liked by everyone.

And then my people pleaser started to chime in. “Oh well, you can have the party on the 4th and than maybe you can go to the event too?”

Do I even want to do that? I also realize that sometimes I am very stubborn on certain things that I get to release. I kind of feel like this stubborn child, kicking my feet and legs on the floor because I’m being a brat and I feel the world should revolve around me.

I had this perfect party where everyone would show up and that everyone would meet each other and make new connections. I have expectations sometimes. And you know what… I would have probably been sad at some point that some people didn’t show up. I would totally forget that they are honoring their energies by not attending.

SO I am here.. Ranting so you can see the real me and how I process and that I have things I am working on.

Also it makes me sad too that I try so hard with people that… don’t necessarily want to be my friend and that I can’t see and feel gratitude for the people that are in my life, that care about me and check in on me.

It’s freaking social media sometimes. I see people post videos and photos of their friends and things they go to. I wonder sometimes how authentic and present people truly are. The people that I love the most, I rarely take pictures with because we are so present.

That was going to be one of my “rules” at my party… no phones or at least no phones for a period of time.

I am experiencing so much sadness right now. I just read what I have so far to Joey and I am just balling and feeling so damn much.

I could feel the old me creeping in, deciding not to have a party at all and just stay home. There was one birthday back in 2015, I went the whole day not telling anyone it was my birthday. I worked that day…. there was part of me hoping that someone would remember…. I even remember deleting my birthday off of Facebook to see who actually knew my birthday. OMG! ha… even my mom forgot that day. I was a walking “Pity” party and no one knew it. I’m such a brat, at the end of the day I went back to work to do some office stuff and I posted on snapchat saying something like “this is how I end my 26th…” and my friend Kayla messaged me saying why I didn’t tell her it was my birthday and then we went out and got tattoos lol.

You know…. just how it’s bizarre to me that people are still mean to each other… it’s also kind of bizarre to me that this is one of the things that keeps showing up and I always experience sadness or frustration about it. It’s also totally embarrassing to admit that one of the things I am working on releasing is needing to be liked by everyone.

It’s crazy because I tell myself all the time… I love everyone but it doesn’t mean I like everyone. WHY, why would I place this expectation on myself that people have to like me?

It’s like I know that there is a reason for it and it’s probably the best for everyone.

I’ve been very blessed to have so many people in my life and I am becoming more and more aware that I am unique when it comes to having friendships.

WOW. This year I was feeling so worthy and ready to celebrate and this one thing showed up to see how worthy I truly feel. Whatever I decide to do for my birthday is perfect and I get to remember I am worthy. I love myself.

The other thing that is bringing up and I want to work on is that I unconsciously and somewhat consciously made this party a test. To see who my “true” friends are but there is no such thing and why put that pressure on people. Even not showing up and taking care of themselves is being a friend to me. I want the ones I love to honor themselves.

Also, if you read this and have a feeling it’s about you…. I want you to know that it’s doesn’t have to do with you, this is all a perfect gift to show me where I am in life and where I get to continue being me. SO thank you. My intention is not to make anyone feel bad or manipulate anyone into liking me. I realize I have not been myself at times just in order to be liked and I feel in a way that is a form of manipulating. I want to be authentic.

Now what is coming up. (You get to have a taste of how I process things.)

My “fear” is that people will say shit about my experiences and emotions about things and even judge me. Ah. It’s all good.

This blog is me practicing being really real. I normally say and express I want to be real, authentic and vulnerable and I know there still parts of me that aren’t fully. This is part of me being fully authentic… it’s getting fuller? Is that a thing? lol

Anyways… here I am sharing more of me with all of the internet.

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