I have been practicing being as authentically me as possible in each moment AND it’s created a lot of awareness of what is holding me back when it comes to just being me.
Some time this year, I was honest with myself that I was operating from a place of having to be liked by everyone and that turned into people pleasing instead of being me. So basically I wasn’t being me at all.
Man, this one memory comes to mind. There was a year where I didn’t have friends in my neighborhood when I was younger but I always saw some girls riding their bikes together and hanging out. Instead of introducing myself, I got my kittens went to the sidewalk and hoped they would see them. They did. They came up to me asking to play with them and pet them and I made friends.
It was a simple event but I wanted to be liked and have friends that I just did things that weren’t necessarily me. (I don’t do this all the time but I have noticed that it showed up a lot.)
And that went along with people pleasing. Gosh if I ever did anything that was weird or if anyone else did something that was off and made people feel uncomfortable and if I actually saw someone’s uncomfortable or judgmental face or if others made fun of me, I made a note in my mind and body never to do that and do things that people like.
I am going through this phase in my life of releasing the need of being liked by everyone and the need to please people. To be honest, I feel this is one of the parts of my life that needs the most work and healing. I have been using this as a survival for most of my life. I probably had people in my life that I didn’t really vibe with but I thought I did.
I always get emotional writing this but I just picture forgiving myself and moving forward by actually being me. If it’s weird or uncomfortable or awkward for people, then screw it.
I admire people that don’t give a crap AND they also trigger the F**k out of me because it brings out judgement in me and that’s because they are a mirror for me. It’s like it’s saying…. “BE YOUR F**KING SELF ALREADY!”. I judge myself when I feel that I’m caring too much what people think of me.
I seriously feel tension in my body. I feel myself holding back and for what!? Someone said this the other day when I was mentioning this. They said, “They don’t pay my bills.” Essentially some of these people I am so worried about liking me, they don’t know my life and what is going on. It’s like I am putting a facade so everything goes smoothly but my insides, my mind, body, soul are not.
I am writing this because in a way it’s holding me accountable to be ME! And it also makes it’s real for me that I get to be me, all of me. And in the end it turns out I only have myself to be with, then I want to be the version that is truly me without limitations, fears, programming.
Ah, I feel a little weight lifted off my shoulders. I may get a little weirder on my blog posts now haha.
I love you and I love myself. May you have a MAGICAL day.