Before people *gasp*. Well you may have already, so before you assume this happened recently….
I want to let you know this actually happened many, many years ago. Maybe when I was 12 or 13 years young.
Why am I bringing this up? I will get to that soon…
I am currently on day 15 of a 21 day Ayurvedic cleanse. I am only taking liquids; that can be smoothies, juice, water, teas, soups, kombucha, etc and it has to be mainly all whole foods and raw as much as possible. (Raw veggies I mean.) I am also doing other cleansing methods like a netti pot and eye wash, as well as taking herbs to detoxify!
Anytime I do a cleanse or fast, it brings up emotions, past “wounds” to work and heal through and it also brings clarity and a sense of peace and letting go; starting new.
So several days ago this memory came into my mind. I usually remember it as this girl throwing a shoe at my head and this time I was like “WOAH, THANK GOODNESS IT MISSED MY HEAD”. I was seriously wondering what would have happened or how I would have reacted if it actually hit my head.
A few days later I called a dear friend, a friend that feels very comfortable calling me out when I am not being myself. He noticed and mentioned that I was going back again (meaning I wasn’t saying much and just being my fun, talkative self.) And then it all felt like it was connecting.
When I went over to my friends house, I remembered I was excited about something and just talking more than usual. I was talking and talking and than I noticed my friends not saying much or were very interested, it seemed like things were going through their minds. But I automatically took that as, “Oh, I seem to be talking too much, being too much…” and then I shut up.
Many years ago, when I was maybe in the 7th grade, I was outside with a group of about 10 to 15 punk kids waiting for the gates to open so we could go inside. I was chatting with my friend and I must have been talking and talking when I see this shoe fly pass me and this girl, from what I can recall to this day said something like, “SHUT UP. NOBODY LIKES YOU.” I don’t remember my friend saying anything or defending me (not that she needed to) and I’m sure some of the kids may have chuckled or were surprised but I just sat there.
I literally just sat there, not knowing what to do, wishing that the gates would open already. I’m sure I felt small and uncomfortable and the part that gets me is I actually believed her. I believed that I needed to shut up and no one liked me especially when I talked “too much” or in big groups. It’s crazy to me now that I believed her because she wasn’t even my friend, she didn’t even know me. It’s interesting how there are some moments that stick with you, that could change the direction of your path for a bit.
One on one with people or people I really trusted I was fine but when it was bigger groups of people and those that I didn’t know I would just listen.
WOW, as I am typing I am realizing that I kept telling myself that I was a listener and that I enjoyed observing but how much of that was truly a lie? A lie I told myself because I believed that I didn’t deserved to be heard.
When I was talking to my friend, he mentioned how he enjoys when I speak and the stuff that comes out of me. I guess part of me didn’t believe that. When I mentioned what has been coming up and how this memory came up and that I feel like sometimes I talk too much, he said that’s the same thing he is going through and he is working through not caring about what others may think and that he just expresses himself.
I am currently reading a book called The Unfolding Now by A.H. Alamaas. The gist of the last chapter I read was about being honest that when I say I am in the present moment there is still a part of me that isn’t present. That I am being from a filtered place because of my experiences and memories, that each moment I am interacting with people isn’t truly a new fresh experience but one through a lens that I have experienced with someone else.
So when I talk more than usual with a group of friends I was coming from that place when I was about 12 years ago when a girl threw a shoe at me and told me to shut up. I created this filter in my life and I am writing about it because I want to say thank you to it and begin to let it go. To feel the energy and talk when I want to, listen when I want to and just be, be me.
I am thankful for the experience because maybe it’s one of the reasons it lead me to writing, to express myself in this way.
I love talking and I love writing AND I love time to myself to reflect and go within. I don’t want to find myself, I want to remember who I am because I have always been here.
Thank you for reading and thank you for listening.
I love you.