I am writing a letter to my ex(es) because this is the only way I know how to express myself, the only way I can let go of whatever feelings, emotions, fears, anxieties that I am holding inside.
I’ve been more open to my friends and family about my past relationships but this “letter” will probably one of the most open and vulnerable post I have written. It’s been heavy on my heart, and I’ve had this feeling of not being able to move on with my life and I believe that part of it could have to do that I’m still holding on to my exes.
I was talking to one of my roommates the other day and I truthfully told him there’s not one day that goes by that I do not think about them. I don’t love them and I am not in love with them but they are still there and I can’t get them out of my head. I asked him if thought that was weird? And what he said next, surprised me.
“No, I don’t think that’s weird at all.” He went on to say that “society” tells us that it’s unacceptable to talk or think about our past relationships when in reality, it’s truly okay. Why should we ever be ashamed to talk about a part of our life?
These past relationships were part of my life, I can’t erase, forget, or get rid of, it’s part of me. It would be like asking me to go buy my favorite book and tear a few chapters out from it. That book is torn, its ugly, and it’s incomplete; there’s not story there anymore. No matter how hard I try, those chapters in my life are part of what made me who I am today.
So I write a letter, to be honest, to be real. This letter is dedicated to all of you…
To my Ex(es):
For the longest time I kept you a secret, I forbid myself to talk to anyone about you. I didn’t think you deserved to know the emotions, the pain, and the heartbreak I went through. I held so much anger, hate, jealously, sadness inside of me. And for that I am sorry.
I will never know why we caused each other that amount of pain, when we could have easily ended it. Maybe it was the fear of the unknown. We were best friends and how was I suppose to tell my best friend in the entire world that I wasn’t in love with him, that I didn’t love him the way I used to. Instead we both stayed; we stayed through all the lies, the cheating, the betrayal, the verbal abuse, the anger.
You may have caused me pain but you also brought happiness, joy, laughter and faith into my life. I now know what butterflies feel like, I know the feeling of completeness when holding someone’s hand, I’ve felt my heart skip a beat and for that I am thankful. There are people out there that long for these forms of affection and I never want to take those moments for granted. Thank you for listening to me go on and on for hours about who knows what, thank you making laugh until I couldn’t breathe, and thank you for loving me the best you could.
God, the universal, or whatever entity you now believe in knew that we weren’t meant to be together and deep in our hearts we knew it too. But I want you to know that I do not regret one day with you. The emotions you put me through were some of the absolute worse in my life but I survived. You also made my heart feel overwhelmed with love and affection, a feeling I hope to find again some day.
My story would not be the same if it wasn’t for you. The love, the strength, the power, part of who I am today is because you walked in and out of my life. I’ve learned to have a voice, to be tough, to be vulnerable, to love myself, and to even have faith in God.
I may not be in love with you but I once loved you and I love that you were in my life. I am not afraid to tell you that I still think about you from time to time. You were once “the love of my life”, my everything, my best friend. Our relationship was real, it was true but like everything in life, it had its expiration date.
From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that I only desire happiness for all of you. I pray that you have blessed marriages/relationships. I hope that you find the love we once had but times 100 and it leaves you speechless but feeling like you want to scream at the top of your lungs with joy. It actually makes me smile thinking about you finding that type of love.
I hope that you live and love life to the fullest and that you choose to do good in this world. Just know you’ll always have someone cheering you on from this side of the screen.