I recently told my friend that I wanted to blog about my life and she asked me “Are you okay with everyone knowing about your life?”
I took a moment to think about it and I replied, “Yes, yes I am. I want everyone to know my story, I know everyone is going through something and my hope is that they do not feel alone.”
I am quite nervous about today’s blog because I am going to be very open about a situation I went through a little over a year ago that brought me down. There are only a handful of people who know about this part of my life but they do not know about the emotions and feelings I hid. The reason I am writing about the following is because a few days ago something was posted and brought up some emotions I haven’t really dealt with since then. I prefer not to say the name this person, out of respect.
About a year ago, I would have been married to a guy I met in college. We started dating a little after he was deployed in 2014. It was just a few months after I broke off a relationship of 7 years. (We will get into this part of my life another time!) Things were moving very quickly, and I mean VERY QUICKLY. We started talking about marriage just a few months into the relationship. He was going to return from deployment in November and we were planning the wedding for December. I wanted to move the wedding to February/March because I wanted my parents to attend and I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle (they were in Chile at the time).
I am going to tell you a little about our relationship and what caused me to be down for the next year after he broke it off. Please know that whatever I am about to tell you, I am thankful for going through it because it’s part of MY story and it has helped me become who I am today.
During most of the relationship he was very controlling. When I was working and I couldn’t answer a phone call, I was told that I was working too much. I could only hang out with girls, and the only guys I could hang out with were the ones that were married. I was forced to go to church, read about things he was interested about, and make him the number one thing in my life. I thought I was in love, so I didn’t really notice these things at the time.
Anyways, November came along and I meet his parents for the first time on the trip to go see him in North Carolina. I thought that week was great and it was like we were best friends until one of the last nights. He was blunt and basically called me fat, in his words, “You look like you drank all of college.” When I returned home I was told to work out twice a day and to only eat certain foods. A couple of days later he told me what his father truly thought about me. My heart broke as soon as he started telling me all he said, I was said to be disorganized, a liberal, trying to take advantage of him, someone who only worked out because of a man, etc. These words felt like a knife going through my heart and the worst part about it all, I was told that I had to defend myself. Not being comfortable in my own skin, I was speechless.
Two days before my birthday I received a text message saying that it wasn’t going to work out and that he couldn’t marry me. I didn’t respond and I didn’t talk about it. I told myself things happen for a reason and I was much happier without him. And I was happy without him but I wasn’t happy.
For the next four to five months, I was not myself. As soon as he broke it off, my eating disorder began. (I will go more into detail about my disorder another day). I was obsessively watching what I ate and I was working out excessively, I ended up losing about 20 pounds in about a month or two. I didn’t talk about my feelings, I shut down. I acted as if I was doing fine, I wanted people to think I was strong but I was weak. In April, I learned about an online school called Institute of Integrative Nutrition that ended up saving my life and restoring my happiness. (Again, you will learn about this during my blogs.)
A couple of months ago, I ended up seeing my ex’s father at a campaign for Marco Rubio. I never thought I would see him again in my life but I did. My heart was beating rapidly and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack but I calmed down and told myself it was okay. Again, I didn’t talk about my feelings or what I was going through.
Just a couple of days ago, I found out that my ex was going to get married. A lot of emotions came up that I haven’t dealt with or talked about. At first, I thought “well I was never good enough.” Then I was angry, I was angry at everything he tried to control in my life and the words he said to me. I was still hurt about the things that his father said to me. Then I was very furious with myself, how could I let anyone treat me this way and not stand up for myself.
Yes, this was a horrible experience for me and I realized several things. I learned that I didn’t love myself at all. I hated who I was, I hated the way I looked, and I felt like I didn’t have a purpose in life. No wonder, I was treated this way. Now that I knew how I really felt about myself, it was time to make a change and learn how to love me.
After all this time I am thankful for my ex breaking up with me that day and I am thankful for the pain I went through.
If it wasn’t for this relationship, I wouldn’t be close with Christ and I wouldn’t have known that God, Himself has a plan for me. I ended up receiving my First Communion and Confirmation and with this I gained a couple of people who truly cared about me and my well-being. One thing I did admire about my ex is that he always had faith and that is something I made sure to carry with me. Faith has brought me to where I am today. If I were married now, I wouldn’t have gone on the adventures I’ve been on or be able to go on my future ones. I wouldn’t be here writing about my story. I wouldn’t be happy and I can honestly say that I am truly happy. I wouldn’t have found my passion for helping and developing others. I probably wouldn’t even have a bucket list!
God has found him, his perfect bride and I pray that he has the most wonderful marriage because I know God will guide me to my husband one day. Until that day, I will enjoy my life to the fullest. I have no hate or bitterness towards him, the relationship or his family.
Sometimes you need to be crushed and knocked down with the cruelest of words and actions. For the first time in my life, I started to stand up on my own and build myself back up. The past year has truly been a long journey trying to find my happiness, it wasn’t easy after losing my grandmother just a few months after the break up, and then losing my father a few months ago but I am here today telling you, you can get through anything life throws out you.
Remember, that everyone has their own story. It’s hard to find love or forgiveness in difficult situations but you will be much happier when you do. Once I was able to forgive, I was then surprised with a gift. The day he got married, I was at my sister’s twin’s baby shower and she told me I was going to be one of the babies Godmother! I wanted to cry tears of joy! She then tells me his middle name will be our dad’s name, Ignacio. I am filled with joy and I cannot wait to meet Mateo and Lucas.
It’s amazing how your life changes when you start to love yourself and the world around you. I’ve realized the more happiness and joy I create, the more I enjoy living.
Thank you for letting me be completely open about my life. I love every single one of you and I hope that you can find love and forgiveness in any situation you are in.
Below are some pictures of things that I was able to do because I didn’t get married…